TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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