hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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