I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
