I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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