I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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