And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
