I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
