My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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