I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Drunk is not a location!
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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