god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize