the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
