Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize