my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
