Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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