I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Randomize
