Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
