I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
