How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
