It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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