Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize