I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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