just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
