i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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