I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
