literally had 100 drinks last night.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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