Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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