You're so nebulous sometimes
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
