Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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