He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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