I hate your face
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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