i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
They should really pass out barf bags in church
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
