nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
