I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
