Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
