Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
