I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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