Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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