just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize