For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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