Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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