well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
