btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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