there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
