I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
