Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
