Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
