Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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