Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
