Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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