Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
