I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Randomize
