hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
