Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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