if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
