I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
