I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
