I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
